in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
