he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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