We're like a lot better than the average bears
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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