why didn't you poke me back
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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