her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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