When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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