1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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