Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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