she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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