I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
