Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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