Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
