I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
