Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
