PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
