Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
