I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
