It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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