It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
