she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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