i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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