I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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