Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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