i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
