Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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