saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
