Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
