But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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