her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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