I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize