im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
