it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
