I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
