Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
