i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
