TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
