She's JV to your varsity
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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