And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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