Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
