Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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