Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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