Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
