What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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