I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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