I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
