just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
