I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
