Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
