i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
