Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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