Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
