its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
