Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
