Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
