...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
