If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
