My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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