yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
