took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
