he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
