peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize